Austin is funny, energetic, and affectionate.
Kamdyn is snugly, attention-loving, and pretty stinkin' adorable.
I love each of them. I would do anything or go to unknown depths to protect them.
But as Kamdyn has grown, and our family conformed to integrate this new person into our family, I have noticed a passion, an intense, relentless heart that stands behind my love for her. It's not that it's absent for my other children, but it's resting in the shadows, out of sight. But when it comes to Kamdyn, it stands at attention, primed for action, because my heart tells me to keep it ready.
There are several reasons that I can think to explain that. There was a time that I worried I wouldn't be able find the same kind of love for Kamdyn that I had for my other children. It seems silly now, that I ever thought that. Also, my trepidation of the world's view of her causes that fierceness to linger.
There is no doubt that Kamdyn has made me dig up a passion inside me I didn't know I had. On one hand, I'm proud of it, because it shows the power of love. It has shown me that I am capable. On the other hand, I kind of wish my heart would relax and let the fierceness subside, and just allow it out when it's needed.
Sometimes it proves to be a menace with it's overprotective nature and at-attention stance. I don't want my thoughts to always wonder what some one's intentions are, if their motives are genuine or jaded. I have been struggling with this lately, hence my Take your pity and ..... post.
In all his wisdom, my husband says, "Just relax." So that is what I am going to try and do. Just relax. I have to remind myself that with every situation in life, the only control I have is my own reaction, and my reaction will set the tone.
my goodness can you ever tell your kids are related! I get what you're saying about the fierceness. Reagan makes me a better mom!
ReplyDeleteYep, I know exactly that feeling you described. And I find it incredible, because there is that "something" that is so powerful, and I wonder if it is a love mingled with something that comes directly from God. A "something" that God has given to our kids, just like their extra chromosome, that the rest of us "normal" people just don't have. I don't know! But I have wondered, because of what you described.
ReplyDeleteWow. Reading this makes me wonder how I'll be with any future children. You mean it can be less fierce? Hard to imagine. And hard to say relax and just do it. This is a process and it IS intense. Very honest, illuminating post.
ReplyDeleteLeah, I think every family dynamic is different. I feel like my parenting has changed a lot since I have had Kamdyn, because I have come to view life and a lot of things differently. But you are going into it with that perspective, because it's all you have known of parenting. So you may not find it to be any different. Who knows. It'll be interesting to see though. Each of our children have a added a different dynamic to our family.
ReplyDeleteIt will be interesting to see.
ReplyDeleteI feel *exactly* the same way with Moxie...Mama Bear with her claws ready, sheathed.
ReplyDeleteand try to relax, too - just enjoy the ride!!
Wow, what a beautiful post! And I love the way that you ended it...just enjoy the ride. I'll be thinking on this one all day. :)
ReplyDeleteHey nice post :) with cute photos and nice experience.... Just Relax :) is cooool....
ReplyDeleteI could have written this post myself. I don't want Colin to every feel that I don't love him with every fiber of my being but loving Ben is different. I hope to someday write a post on this myself but haven't come up with the right words.
ReplyDeleteI can totally relate to this post! I love Russell in a different way than my other children...Not more than, just different...And I find it very hard to describe...This post just made sense to me, it's good to know others share some of these same feelings.
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