I was depressed

Several months back, I went on birth control.  Kamdyn had stopped nursing late in the summer, and we are not ready for another little one, so I started the pill.  I wasn't on it long before something felt very off.  I felt down.  Depressed.  I was waking up in the middle of the night, and I would awaken in the middle of the night to the horrible sound of grinding, only to realize it was me grinding my teeth.  So I went back to the doctor and started a different pill to see if that helped. 

While all of this was going on, I decided that I was finally going to contact someone about getting Kamdyn's karyotype.  I never received the actual copy of her chromosomal test that shows the alignment of chromosomes and trisomy 21.  Since I'm nothing but proud of my girl, and Down syndrome is a part of her, I joked that I was going to frame it and hang it on the wall when we got it.

I called her previous pediatrician.  Dead end.  They don't have it.  I called the hospital where she was born, and I got the run around.  They didn't know.  I called the labratory at the hospital.  Not in the records.  They said I needed to contact one particular person who may know how to find it.  Left that person a message.  Have I mentioned that I hate calling people, and I hate leaving messages and waiting for people to call back.  Inevitably, they will call back when I'm not home.  Anyway, this person did call back, but she said that they no longer work with that lab, and she didn't know if they could find it.  Since I worked at a doctor's office, I know that test results do not just vanish out of thin air.  Someone has it.  I asked if I could contact the lab who performed the test, but she kindly said she would call and get back to me in a couple of days.  A couple of days went by, and I got the call that they found them.  I tell that long, drawn out story to reiterate the fact that I was really excited to get these results.  I wanted to see them.  I couldn't wait to open it when it came in the mail.  I can't really remember everything that surrounded it, but I remember that when I opened it, I was sitting on the bed with Brad.  I tore it open, pulled out the papers inside and flipped to the one with Kamdyn's karyotype.  "There it is," I held it up to Brad, as the excitement drained. 

There it is, indeed.  There is the confirmation on paper, in black and white, that my baby girl has Down syndrome.  And while there are so many wonderful, enlightening, delightful, and fabulous things that come with Down syndrome, it is also something that makes her different, sets her apart, and will make certain things in life more difficult.  And this fact will exist for the rest of her life, and I have the paper to prove it.  I felt the tears well up, but as I said, since I know all of the amazingly stupendous things that come along with Down syndrome, and I know that Kamdyn is the best gift our family and my life has ever been blessed with, the tears quickly go away.  But still, I had no desire to hang it on the wall.  Instead, I folded it up, laid it on my dresser, and it lays there to this day. 

Already struggling with an overly hormonal body trying to adjust to birth control, these feelings weighed heavily on me.  It wasn't the same feelings I had after she was born, it was just feeling alone, isolated, and sad that the rest of the world may not see her as I do.  And then, these feelings breed guilt.  Guilt that I am even having them.  And then shame, because my daughter is almost a year and a half old, and certainly these feelings are not acceptable.  Its not like I'm a new mom and can vent or pour my heart out, because I should be "over this" by now.  And that breeds more isolation, more loneliness.  I can't tell anyone, because they will feel sorry for me, or they won't understand, or they will just think that I need to suck it up.  So I tell no one, which is the worst thing to do really. 

Then, one night, I gave Kamdyn chicken, white rice, and vegetable for dinner, and I only remember, because the white rice backed her up so badly that she did not have a bowel movement for days.  After a few days, she started a fever, and her belly was swollen, and she was uncomfortable and not sleeping through the night.  We were giving her Miralax by now, but it was too late, and the only other thing we knew would help was to give her a suppository.  I have never given one of these to any of my kids, and I was very uncomfortable doing it, but at the same time, I felt like I needed to be the one to do it, because I'm her mom.  So I did, and she screamed, a scream that shredded my heart.  I couldn't even finish the dosage, and when Brad tried to ask me what he should do, I pretty much flipped out on him in a moment of complete stress. 

My rant went a little something like, "Everything is on me!  If she walks or doesn't walk, it's on me!  If she talks or doesn't talk, it's on me!  If she takes a freakin' poop or not, its on me!"  And while this really isn't true, I think that these feelings are common for a mom.  We all want to push our kids to be and do their best, and if there is something in the way of that, we take it personally.  And that was where I was. 

The next day, I was still feeling frazzled and exhausted, but I couldn't hold it all in anymore.  I called my mom, and I opened the flood gates.  I told her that I couldn't sleep.  I wake up in the middle of the night, and I rush to Kamdyn's room, just make sure she is still breathing.  I feel like everything I'm doing is wrong.  I'm terrified every time she gets sick or something goes wrong, like severe constipation.  My mom talked me through it, calmed my fears, and brought me back to where I needed to be.

And now a couple of months later, with normal hormones, and on the other side of it, I have a peace again.  All that pressure that I felt, I put it on myself.  All that loneliness I felt, I felt it because I didn't talk to anyone.  And the fear.  The fear I have to learn to control.  "For God hath not given us the spirit of fear; but of power, and of love, and of a sound mind"  2 Tim 1:7.  And my go to verse for times of trouble:  "What time I am afraid, I will trust in thee"  Psalm 56:3  I've also learned from that whole experience that there is no right or wrong way to feel or a time table that those feelings must be complete in.  Our feelings are a part of us, and they surface depending on our circumstances.  Sometimes there are feelings that you don't even know are there until something brings them out, and it those situations that allow you to grow and change. 

And now I'm ready to get that karyotype and put it away.  I think Kamdyn may want to see it some day.