life is beautiful: 4 months old

From the time I was a little girl, I dreamed of being a mother. I never planned my wedding day, or what gown I would wear. I just dreamed about what my babies would look like, and how wonderful it would be to love them and for them to love me. I would find whatever magazines I could and thumb through them, wondering if my baby would look like this one. Sometimes, I would even cut pictures out and make my family. I was always quick to tell people that I was going to have 12 children. After they laughed at me and said I was crazy, they would say, "We'll see about that." I always vowed that I would show them one day. There is that deep down inner part of me that would love to have 12 babies. But, I'm no Duggar, so I better not.

I think that I am enjoying this baby stage more now than I did with Madison and Austin. Maybe its the fact that it may take Kamdyn longer to reach all the milestones, so why not just enjoy just the way it is now. Or maybe it's that I've figured out after my third time, that this really is such a fleeting moment in time. Time will pass, and these sweet, snugly, soft skin moments will be gone. But it's probably a combination of both and the fact that I now know that I love babies: their soft hair, smooth skin, big, round eyes, and the way they clutch your shirt when you hold them close. Oh, I love it all.

She still has that just-born baby hair in this picture.

Kamdyn was born 4 months ago today. It feels so long ago. Like a journey of a hundred years has come and gone. If I could go back and talk to that frightened person who held that baby. What would I say? Probably something like: You know everything you are terrified about right now? Well, it's all going to happen. But you don't need to be afraid of it, because it will all be ok. You're life is going to change, but you will still love it.

I think back now to all the things I was so scared of: having a sick baby, doctors visits, specialists, change......

And every one of them has happened. I remember how my heart sunk when the cardiologist said "heart failure". We see the pediatrician, the cardiologist, and eventually a Down syndrome specialist. We plan our week around the physical therapists that come to our home twice a week. And there's the therapy that we do on our own. Every day there are little reminders, comments, conversations that call attention that Kamdyn is different. That our life has in fact changed.

She still has that flaky baby skin here.

That change, however, has not been nearly as hard as I thought it would. Those first 6 weeks, I just immersed myself in whatever information I could find out. Seeking out every resource I could to better our journey. If our life was going to change, then I wanted to be right on top of everything that was going on.

And I do. I love my life right now. I would not change where we are right now. In the stories and books I have read, many people state that they would not change anything about their child with Down syndrome. That statement still hits a soft spot with me. Maybe I will be there eventually. Or maybe I won't. I don't know. Even though I love my life and my family. And I love and adore Kamdyn just the way she is, if there was a way that I could take away Down syndrome, developmental delays, lower IQ, heart defects, and any other struggle she may have to face, I would. Who wants their child to struggle, or be different, or be stared at or laughed at?

I use to struggle much more with these thoughts. Until one day I read,

My substance was not hid from thee, when I was made in secret, [and] curiously wrought in the lowest parts of the earth.

Thine eyes did see my substance, yet being unperfect; and in thy book all [my members] were written, [which] in continuance were fashioned, when [as yet there was] none of them.

And it finally hit me that God always knew that Kamdyn would be ours. He had it planned all along. And the second her soul was conceived and her chromosomes were split, God knew that she had 47 instead of 46. God made her that way, and He doesn't make mistakes. Even though it's not what I had imagined or cut out of that magazine many years ago, my family was all planned out even then.

And I wouldn't change it, because I know that God has an amazing plan for her and for us. I cannot wait to see how she will be used to show love, acceptance, kindness.....

And that I get to be a part of that. Wow. I don't deserve that honor. I certainly don't. But, oh, am I overjoyed and beholden that I do.

Hey, there, little almond eyes.

And the tongue. Isn't it sweet.

And of course the thumb sucking. It is so dear. As much as I resisted, I really don't care that you can't ever take away her thumb. Or that it could be worse than a pacifier. We'll come to that road, and many others, when we get there. For now, she can have it. Suck away, baby girl.