We made turkey hands on Thanksgiving morning. It was a good way to distract them as they excitedly anticipated our guests.
Now, back to title.
I have felt all along, that for some reason God kept us from finding out Kamdyn's diagnosis until after she was born. It was very apparent that there was a reason that we did not find out, but I didn't know what. I'm sure there are reasons that I will never fully understand or even know, but I think I have seen a little bit of insight into why we didn't find out while I was pregnant.When I went in for the 18 week ultrasound (or somewhere around there), we had already decided that we did not want to know the sex of the baby. So they did all of the measurements for the baby and everything came back normal. Sometimes they will suspect Down syndrome during the ultrasound if the baby's legs, arms, fingers, ect. measure shorter. Since Kamdyn does not have any of those features, they didn't suspect anything. When it came time to get a picture and measurements of the heart, she turned to a position that would not allow them to get one. So we left with a profile picture of our sweet baby and instructions to schedule another ultrasound to get a picture of the heart. It may sound careless, but with all of the busyness of our other children and a full time teaching job, I never did reschedule. Then, at the end of my pregnancy, I opted out of the 36 week ultrasound, because they said it wasn't necessary and our insurance required that we pay a percentage of the cost. Since we assumed everything was fine, we felt no need to have it done. It may never have worked out anyway, since Kamdyn was born a month early.
When I went to my scheduled OB appointment, I was desperately hoping that I had started to dilate. I was hoping to be at 1 or 2 in hopes that the baby would come in the next 3 weeks. But this was where I would go from my position of being in complete control, or so I thought, to being in a spiraling tunnel with no control.
Over the next hour, I was told that Kamdyn's foot was dangling in my cervix, which could cause her to drop and my water to break at any moment. The doctor explained that this put the baby in danger, because she was positioned transverse and could crush her umbilical cord, cutting off oxygen, if she were to descend into the birth canal. My doctor was the next building over from the hospital, so I drove myself over, where I was rushed and prepped and in an OR faster than I could believe.
Over the next few days, we would be told that our baby appeared to have Down syndrome, a heart murmur, and jaundice that she couldn't seem to get rid of. As much as I micromanaged my life and kept everything in order, there was not one thing I could do about any of this. I couldn't change Down syndrome. I couldn't change those gorgeous almond eyes or those "mongoloid ears", as the doctor called them. I remember my stomach turning and my heart dropping every time I looked at her ears after the doctor called them mongoloid ears. A month later when we were told that the hole in heart was large, causing her to be in mild heart failure, I begged God to let her be ok. But there was nothing I could do. I couldn't fix it.
Look perfect to me!
Today, after someone asked me why I didn't find out her diagnosis while I was pregnant, I started to think about it.
I firmly believe that God did not allow us to find out, because He wanted to take away my control. I had to see that I was completely helpless to see that I needed to give my life over to God. It's not mine to control but His. My life is not my own, for it was bought with a price. And if I had known about Kamdyn's diagnosis while I was pregnant, I would, not doubt, have printed and collected every bit of information about Down syndrome and VSDs that I could get my hands on. I would have contacted every resource and organized every detail so that I could be in control. I had to learn to give my life and, even harder, Kamdyn's life, over to God.
It was a hard lesson to learn, but I wouldn't have it any other way. As the months went on, and I was researching and learning everything I could, I had a calm and a peace knowing that God was in control of it all. I didn't need to learn every detail at that moment. I can learn what I need to know today and figure out the rest as I go. But most of all, that what ever happens, God loves my precious baby more than I ever could, and she is in His hands.
And there are no better hands to be in.
I also learned that God's way is perfect, not my way. When I look at her now, all I see is a perfect, beautiful creation. Her ears, "mongoloid ears", are perfect. Her heart, hole and all, is perfect. She is perfect. I'm thankful that I can look at the world with new eyes and see beauty and perfection in places that I overlooked before.
