Full circle

I think I can write about this now, because I can say that I have moved past it.  I may still have moments of fear or anxiety, but I have come full circle from where I was.  I started out in one place and turned to a completely new side.

Kamdyn was born April 27 via C-section.  Since I had difficult births (what birth isn't) with my other ones, I don't think the C-section was terrible in that respect.  But there is something to be said for bringing your child into the world naturally.  Madison and Austin's births were the greatest moments and supremest accomplishments of my life.  After laboring and longing to have your baby, through your own strength and love as a woman, a mother, you bring that baby into the world.  I held them when they came out, and I cried.  Cried tears of joy and excitement.  Brad and I would cry and hug.  They were such sweet moments.  Moments I would relive a thousand times if I could.  I wish I could bottle those moments up, and from time to time open it up and let a little of that joy and love seep out. 

With a cesarean, however, you get a quick peak of the baby after the birth, but they immediately take the baby to a table to be cleaned and taken care of.  I remember asking over and over again if Kamdyn was ok.  At first, no one answered, and I asked again.  I know now that they all knew she had Down syndrome.  They assured me she was ok.  But they didn't mention the Downs. I'm sure most of them were sorry for us, even mournful.  Most of them only see these babies right after they are born and parents are shocked by the sudden news.  If only they could see us now and how happy we are.  How much we love our little lady bug.  The pediatrician on call came to us later and told us that she has a brother with Downs syndrome.  She had many nice things to say, but it was all so new at the time.  It was hard to really listen to anyone.  During those days in the hospital, and back to the hospital for jaundice, I could not allow myself to believe that it was true.  I didn't really do much crying in the hospital, because I had myself convinced that it was a mistake.  I let myself be consumed with the business of getting Kamdyn better and constantly nursing and pumping to make sure she ate enough.  Feeding her those first couple of weeks was such a challenge that it became like a full time job.

Then, we were finally home for good.  Everything started to sink in.  Something was different.  Her physical markers of the Downs started to become more noticeable, she hardly cried, she didn't wake up on her own.  She was different.  I began to feel like someone had taken my baby and replaced her with a new one.  This wasn't what I had dreamed of.  As the visitors stopped coming and things started settle down, it hit me.  Once my mom was at my house on Madison and Austin duty, I had a lot of time to rest and think.  All I wanted was to go back to the morning of April 27 when everything was ok, when life was simple.  I longed for that day when I was still pregnant and didn't have think about things like Down syndrome.  I wanted to run.  Run back to that day when everything was still perfect.  I laid in bed, cried and slept for those two days.  I nursed in between.  My motherly, caretaker instinct was there, but I just couldn't get past the Down syndrome.  All I could see was a possible diagnosis, not my baby.  Those days were agonizing, full of pain.  All I could think is that my child would be different, wouldn't go to college, wouldn't get married, wouldn't have babies.  All I could do was cry.  My heart was broken.  I thank God for Brad during those days.  Did I love her enough?  Did she feel the love that she so deserved?  He made up for any place where I was lacking.  He just loved.  And kissed.  And hugged. 
At a follow up appointment for the jaundice, the doctor told us that Kamdyn's kareotype was in.  "She has Trisomy 21," he said as he placed some tissues on the exam table right in front of me.  "But it's not your fault," he said.  I really don't remember much of what he said after that.  It's not my fault, it's not my fault.  I guess God knew that I needed to hear that.  I cried for the whole 30 minute drive home.  But at the same time, it felt like a dark cloud had been lifted.  Now we knew for sure that she has Down syndrome.  And there is nothing to do but move forward.  I started to be able to see a future that could be happy.  Maybe this wasn't what I had imagined, but this was the same baby that I had carried inside me for 8 months, whose soft, gentle kicks reminded me that she was there.  This was the baby that I wanted so badly.  This was the baby that when I found out I was pregnant, I told the kids before I told Brad.  And we all called Daddy on the phone to tell him that we were having a baby.  From the moment I knew she was here, I loved her.  None of that has changed.  Kamdyn was my baby.  It was a defining time in my life.  A time that would change my life. 

As the days went on and we got so much love and support from friends and family, my broken heart started to heal.  It was broken so that God could fill it in with what was missing and then put it back together.  It was now filled with unconditional love.  I knew she was mine.  And I was in love.

The words that were said to us over the next week helped me more than I can describe.  Things like, "you guys can do this", "God chose you for this", "She will be so loved."  They warmed my heart.  I slowly started to realize that things don't have to be what you thought to be perfect.  It can be perfect, because you make it perfect.  Perfectly full of love, life, hope, and peace.  Knowing that all is well. 

Now I have new hopes and dreams for Kamdyn and her life.  But most of all, I know the love that this little life has brought.  Her life has brought new meaning to my own.  New inspiration and new goals.  She has filled our hearts and our family with so much love.  I don't know what will happen in her life, but it doesn't matter anymore.  I just want her to accomplish whatever she can and be happy, and that is all anyone can ask for.