trip down memory lane

I watched our home video from after Kamdyn was born.  It is so strange to go back and watch it now.  Because at the time I knew, deep down, that every thing would be fine.  I knew we would figure it out, heal, and be happy.  Even though every voice inside me was screaming and sobbing, I knew there would come a day when there was nothing but joy.  So every time the camera landed on me, I smiled.  That's it.  Just smiled.

Those first few days were just constant visitors.  People coming and going.  Deciding whether I was going to tell this person or that person.  Feeling guilty if I didn't, but defeated if I did.  Because if I told them, it was like I was admitting that Kamdyn did have Down syndrome.  And I certainly wasn't ready to admit yet.

I just wanted to scream at every one and tell them to get out and leave me alone.  But at the same time, I was terrified of every one leaving.  The thought of being alone was torture.  Being alone with my baby, who I wasn't sure I knew.  Even though I was tired of pretending like it was ok, that I wasn't scared beyond belief, the thought of being alone was worse.

But you can't see any of that on the videos.  There is no video of us crying or saying anything about Down syndrome.  And I'm glad there's not.  One of my regrets is that I did let my fear and worry overshadow the joy of the occasion.  I'm glad that it's not documented.

I remember wanting to take a ton of pictures.  I took more pictures of Kamdyn than we have of Madison and Austin combined as newborns.  I'm so glad that I did that now.  I knew we would get to the point where we are now.  Where we can just love her and see her as the amazing blessing that she is.   

Here is a picture that we never showed anyone.  We didn't show them, because it "looked too much like she has Down syndrome."  We skipped it in our facebook posting and photo sharing.  But I think it's time to put it out there.  Yes, she has Down syndrome.  And, yes, she is perfect and amazing in this picture.

Just had to throw that out there.