The horrible, terrible, no good, very bad day.

Austin had his 3 year check up earlier this week.  Once again, we are battling constant ear infections this winter.  He's had tubes for a couple of years now, and he has already been on several antibiotics and ear drops this winter.  When he saw the pediatrician, he again noticed that Austin appeared to be at the start of another ear infection.  So that would make it three weeks in a row that one of his ears is infected.

So the doctor gave me some home remedies to use to boost his immune system, a referral to see an ENT, and an order for blood work.  I always ask the what ifs and what next questions, because I like to be informed when it comes to things like this.  He explained that the blood work would check for allergies, lowered immune system, and immune system disorder.  So I listened intensely, trying to take it all in.

But as we were walking out the door, I began to feel panicked and overwhelmed.  I wasn't expecting to take my healthy child to specialists and for blood work.  I didn't expect this overload of information. 

As soon as I got the kids in the car and headed down the road to the pharmacy, for yet again more antibiotics, this rush of emotion hit me.  I turned the radio up a little and just cried.  I felt terrible that Austin would have to do any extra testing and that there could possibly something more going on. 

I cried and my mind kept turning, spinning.  And it hit me...................................

My child has Down syndrome.  My sweet baby girl has Down syndrome.  It will never go away.  There is no medication she can take, no remedy, no procedure.  She has Down syndrome forever.  While it started in fear for Austin, I found myself sobbing.  You know that audible sob, where your whole body shakes.  That was it.  Madison and Austin heard me from the back seat, and asked in their sweet, concerned voices, "What's wrong, Mommy."  That simple, little question has a way of making me think.  Is there anything wrong?  Is my life less fulfilled or less happy?  Has Kamdyn's existence brought anything other than joy and  unconditional love?  Is there anything wrong? 

And the answer to that is............................................NO.

By the time I pulled (crooked, I'm sure) into my WalMart parking space, I was done.  So with puffy, swollen, red eyes we strolled in, got our prescription, and we were off again.  I'm so relieve to be at this place where it might hit once in a while, but I can shake it off.  I can bring my rational, mama, loving mind back to where it belongs.  Back to now.  Back to this love that has changed my life.  Back to a place that I wouldn't trade for the world.

I was still a little upset to think about Austin's upcoming testing.  Now, a few days removed from that initial news, I can see how silly it is to worry about  something like that.  First of  all, Austin has suffered through constant ear infections for the last 3 years.  Sleepless nights, countless antibiotics, ear drops, eye drops.......  I always thought there had to be something more going on for this to keep happening.  It will be such a relief to just figure it out and move on.

Secondly, my husband, wise and caring, reminds me that there are so many people going through SO much worse in their lives right now.  He heard of a family who lost a loved one in a car crash.  "They have a problem," he said.  "We do not.  We are good."  And we are.  We're good.

Later that night, I was getting the kids ready for bed.  Since (shamefully), we are still not cleaned up from Christmas, I was maneuvering through the pile of things on Austin's dresser, trying to get something down.  As I pulled, a gift bag that had a big open box of nerds and an open bag of skittles, flew to the floor and sent skittles and nerds click, clicking all over the floor and down into a toy box full of toys.  Consequently, we had a bed time ritual that I'm sure my kids would say is the best ever. 

Remember when there was a pinata at a birthday party.  When the flimsy paper mache finally sprawled open, flinging treasures all over the ground, there is a mad dash of bodies, arms flailing and reaching.  That was my kids. 

So that horrible, terrible, no good, very bad day ended in...............................

sweetness.

And a reminder that I have so much to be thankful for.