I'm not alone. It just feels that way.

Don't forget to enter for Kamdyn's birthday giveaway HERE. 
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It's been a busy couple of weeks, and I'd be lying if I said I didn't have my moments of feeling overwhelmed and anxious. 

Austin swallowed a quarter several weeks ago.  I've only every called 911 twice, and that was one.  It was a scary few seconds when he was choking, but thankfully, he was able to swallow it.  Once it was down, the waiting and poo checking began.  We checked and waited, checked and waited, did x-rays, checked and waited some more.  No quarter.  After the 3rd x-ray, the pediatrician sent us to the pediatric surgeon.  Even though Austin is 5 and knows better than put coins in his mouth, I'm his mom, and I can't help but blame myself.  At the pediatric surgeon, they did another x-ray, and the quarter was gone.  That was a big relief.

Kamdyn has her sleep study coming up, and I want so badly for her apnea to be resolved.  There are worse things in the world, but I really, really, really do not want her to need another surgery.  And if she still has apnea, the ENT said she may need surgery to correct her laryngomalacia. 

As far as I go, I'm going to go out on a limb here and admit that I've been having a really hard time with anxiety for a while now.  I was on medicine for a while, but I weaned myself off when I found out I was pregnant.  The day they called about sending Austin to the pediatric surgeon, I had a panic attack.  If you've never had one, they stink.  You can't breathe, your chest is tight.  It sucks. 

This is my 4th time being pregnant, and while I've always enjoyed being pregnant, I'm having a harder time with this one.  When I first found out I was pregnant, I spent weeks just waiting to lose the pregnancy but praying I wouldn't.  I'm 19 weeks now, so it's unlikely that would happen now, but I'm still waiting for the other ball to drop.  To write it down sounds so silly, but I'm waiting for some life threatening diagnosis, a serious heart defect, something.  Next week, I'm going to maternal-fetal medicine, and they'll do an in depth ultrasound, and I'm hoping that will set my fears at ease. 

And then there's the loneliness.  Ever since Kamdyn had her surgery a couple of months ago, I've been fighting this feeling of loneliness.  I know these anxieties aren't normal, and that makes me feel alone. That feeling of waiting for the other ball to drop makes me feel alone.  A sleep study coming up that will determine whether surgery is needed or not makes me feel alone.  Knowing exactly what that loneliness is: depression.  It makes me feel alone.  Right after Kamdyn's T&A, I didn't want to go anywhere, and I didn't want to see anyone.  I'm past that now, and I'm back to doing our regular routine, feeling motivated, and ok with being around people, but the loneliness is still there.  I'm trying to remind myself of the blessing I have in my family, the support I have in Brad and my mom, and rely more on God.

It appears that God may be trying to teach me this lesson, to rely more on Him.  Because not too long ago, I found out that someone who I thought was our friend has been saying some pretty hurtful things behind our backs.  Things along the lines of me not being a good mom, not parenting my children the right way, and letting my daughter's special needs take too much of my time away from the other kids.

And the loneliness compounds.

If you're a special needs mom, you know that last one about Kamdyn's special needs taking too much of my time is like a knife to the heart.  As a special needs mom, it's my worst fear.  But, like I said, I think God has a lesson here.  I know in my heart of hearts that I am doing the best I can.  I love my kids.  I'm not perfect, and I fail.  Everyday.  I fail.  But I'm doing my best and God knows.  And I believe that He will make up where I am lacking.  He will fill in where I'm missing the mark.  And God will bless the intentions of my heart, that only He knows.  And that has to be good enough.  I have to rest in that.  "Thou wilt keep him in perfect peace whose mind is stayed on Thee: because he trusteth in thee." 

And the other lesson is to be more careful about the things I say and how I judge.  We all judge.  We all say things we shouldn't, and I'm no different.  Knowing firsthand how it feels to have someone saying hurtful things about me is a good reminder to be more careful about the things I say. 

So that's where I'm at right now.  With no pictures and my whining, I doubt many people will care to read this post, but I wanted to write it down anyway.  I know I'll get past this, and it will be a good reminder to look back on one day and see these lessons that God is teaching me and His grace that gets me through.